What's in a Name?

What's in a Name? Phil Ginsburg Corn syrup is being given a new name Who decides such things? Did someone call a meeting? Gather a staff? Was corn syrup present when the announcement was made? "We're giving you a new name." "But... all my friends, fructose, glucose, dextrose, Karo, they won't know me anymore." "You are going to be called for what you really are--oligosaccharide." "Oligo? That's not who I am. Everybody will make fun of me." "Hey, Oligo." "Oligo, amigo." I'm not Italian or Mexican. I'm from the glucoamylase family. I think I might be Welsh. And saccharide? It sounds so..well... Jewish. 'Oh, the saccharides. You know, what those people are like.'" Why does corn syrup need a new name? Does this mean I will have to stand behind corn syrup or Oligo at the Motor Vehicle waiting for it to get a new name on its driver's license? I never thought corn syrup should be driving anyway. They're always under the influence of the fungus aspergillus and drive too fast. Does this mean corn syrup will be on line ahead of me at the Social Security office to make its name change? Aren't there enough bureaucratic delays in life, without having to deal with corn syrup's identity issues? If I changed my name, would it matter? If tomorrow I took on a one syllable, stronger, less genteel and more gentile name like Clarke, or Trent, would my image change? Would I suddenly have an overwhelming, uncontrollable desire to buy a Boflex machine, do my own oil changes, play lacrosse, put mayonnaise on corn beef sandwiches? What if everybody had the same name? It would be so much easier. All guys were Joe. All women Ann. What if Joe and Ann met on the street after not seeing each other for two years: "Ann? is that you?" "Joe?" It is said in Scripture, that the faithful will one day receive a new name from God. I dreamed such a dream one night. People came up to me in heaven and told me their new names, "My new name is 'Virtue'." "My new name is 'Courage." Someone asked me, "What is your new name?" "Larry," I replied. Somehow I think I'd prefer Oligo.